It’s not about bragging rights. I may come off as preposterous, showing the whole world how ‘good’ I am. By allowing myself to feel any minute trace of how ‘good’ i am or more ‘superior’ to my fellow Aikidokas, I become light and float. Which is why the word ‘grounded’ mean so much to me. There is a level of sincerity and honest to goodness feeling in me that brings out this stability, and makes me ‘heavy’. I’m still not that ‘good’ because my ego sometimes get quite vocal and distracts me, makes me light, and unstable. when that happens i get drawn out of my centre and becomes vulnerable, becomes shallow.
My hands are heavy because they are so full of feeling. this is especially so in kokyu ho where nothing else matters, in seiza, with both hands grasped, there’s no other fancy technique, or funny patterns. you simply have to deal with the hand. when i hold my nage’s hands, I feel, feel and I feel. I feel how the nage moves, I feel the nage attempt to leverage using shoulder muscles and how the muscles strain in vain. I feel my nage elusive centre, how my centre allows all my weigh to rest on my hands. sometimes I feel my own centre being lost, because I over extend and becomes weak to external impediments. In that very fraction of a kokyu ho a lot of dynamic things happens. the struggle, the understanding that there is no need to struggle. how the muscles tries its best to do what it is not designed to do. I see my nage or uke opens up and feel me, connect with me and ultimately bringing me down or being brought down, no longer matters.
If I were to use my seniority, surely I can easily overpower a junior belt, but doing so I only deceive myself from the truth. I’ve been there, done that and seen past that, and cannot reasonably allow that to happen anymore. Everything happens because its supposed to happen. If I fall, I fall because I fall, period. nothing else matters. Everything inside matters more than everything outside. Internal precedes external.
When we become externally aligned and inclined, we become weak, and subordinate our being to external forces, which will never be reasonable to us, never care about out feelings or existence. Turn it around, when we become internally inclined, external forces have little effect on us, and yet we can exercise greater effect on the external forces. We become kinder, gentler and more understanding to why the external world can be so ‘cruel’ or so ‘pretty’ at the same time.
so whatever happens, I go at it with whatever I have inside of me. no matter how scary or great the external force impinge on me, I know in my gut I have internally something, somewhere, somehow, some kinda resources to deal with it. Its supreme confidence, without being overly confident.