There’s a gradual but dynamic shift in my psyche recently. and it seem to be gathering momentum. There is a lot of movement in the basis of my personality and i can literally and physically feel my mental and spiritual foundations being wobbly. stuffs you have in your head, things that the mind thinks about, how do you feel wobbly over things and issues that is not physical?
So who is doing the wobbly? Me? What am I making wobbly? my concept of self. Everything, if seen as it seems, is egocentric. me, me, me. come on, face it, who isn’t? Even with Buddha’s enlightenment, he did it for himself. thereafter he shared with the world. everything, and everyone has to start from the beginning, us. me, I.
I’m turning that way. after years of outer orientation, i’m turning in, and I can tell you the journey inwards is scary, exciting and dangerous. Without outward, socially imposed values, I myself is my own free man, really dangerous and crazy stuff if you don’t take run with this as close to yourself as you possibly can.
Turning back to me, requires a certain power and confidence to make sure that things turn out for the better. being my own free man, there is nothing i dare to control me, and yet such ‘control’ exist. but having said that, most controls exists as a social rule. of course physics plays a part too. Take gravity for example, if you leap of a tall building, for sure you are f**k. no amount of internal freedom can change that. BUT, if you will yourself hard enough, you WILL leap off a tall building thinking that your freedom is above all laws. Sometimes, in a cruel twist of luck, fate or whatever you call it, there are rare cases where people actually leap off tall buildings and survive. And being free teases us to challenge that statistics.
I’m teasing my realm of self control, and it is getting scary because when i cam really free, who i am now is actually freaking out about who i can actually become. the ‘me now’ whats a consistent path, and predictable trajectory to the ‘me then’. But really, think about it, being free, means that the ‘me now’ has no bearings to the ‘me then.’ life is non linear. yes there is cause and effect, but cause and effect does not exist in a line, it exist in flux. don’t ask me how i come to think of it this way, its just a spontaneous thought.
Everything exist in a flux, face it, the only way to deal with it is to deal with it free. I’m getting there, and it is scary, but then i get there, I will be the most powerful person to myself.