I learned something about myself last evening when I exercised kokyu ho with Siew Chin. there was something i cannot figure out from last week’s session i had with Gaynor.
I thought i was doing my usual kokyu ho exercise with Gaynor, when Harry sensei comes along and explained that ‘We should not be preventing our partner from learning.’ Gaynor gave me a feedback similar to that and I couldn’t comprehend what he said. It was something about the way i am resisting him and reacting to his actions.
I got my answer last evening, and i realised that i was afraid of Gaynor, hence i was reacting to him rather than resisting him. There is a subtle difference as reacting will negates his actions, preventing him from doing the technique. I carried my psyche with defense and instead of allowing him to conclude his technique and trying his best to exercise, i snubbed him out. Basically i draw him into my centre and there was no way he could do the technique. Whatever he did, i countered.
So last evening, when i exercised with Siew Chin, I resisted her, because i was not afraid of her. And without that fear in the way, I could open myself up and allow me to resist her while she tries to exercise Kokyu ho. It didn’t make it any easier for her, but it sure as hell didn’t frustrates her.
So why do i fear Gaynor and not Siew Chin? admittedly, it stems from my inferiority complex, and of course the e-g-o. There is an uncertainty in my confidence that Gaynor IS going to be better than me. So i go on a defensive and block him out. And why not Siew Chin? for obvious reasons, my logical mind justifies that she is ‘no threat’ to me, in short i deemed that i am ‘better’.
But to be fair, it was my practice with Siew Chin that allowed me to learn this so that the next time i practice with Gaynor, I can keep this feeling in check. It is silly to classify who is better or worse than who, but these kind of judgment can creep in subtly and without constant practice, we might one day be clouded by such little irrelevant voices in our heard.